Get Talking at the Holiday Dinner Table -- Teaching Your Child the Art of Conversation

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By Elizabeth SautterAt a family gathering, your ten-year-old ends up seated next to Uncle Joe and their conversation is going nowhere fast.  You watch your child mumble one-word responses to Joe’s questions and ask nothing in return.  Eventually Joe gives up and the two of them stare at their plates as others at the table chat with ease.Family gatherings often lead to dead-end or awkward conversations, especially for those who struggle with social communication.  In particular, difficulty with perspective taking and understanding the thoughts of others make it hard to initiate or maintain a conversation or engage in small talk.  You can help build your child’s awareness of topics that other people might want to talk about based on “reading” social clues such as what the person is wearing (e.g., a Star Wars t-shirt), what they already know about the person (e.g., Uncle Joe went to Hawaii for a vacation or cousin Sarah is applying to college), or what they’ve heard the person talking about already (e.g., sports).Practicing these skills at home or in the community with people with whom your child is familiar and comfortable will increase the child’s ease with people he/she doesn’t see very often.The following are some tips and suggestions from my book Make Social Learning Stick! that may help your child feel comfortable talking with anyone who shows up at the dinner table:1. Social Spying: When you’re out in the community, ask your child to observe other people and try to infer what the person might be interested in or how people are related or connected to one another.  Learning to make “smart guesses” about others helps in finding good topics of conversation.2. Topics for Small Talk: Help your child make a list of topics that most people like to talk about in shorter conversations (e.g., the weather, learning what the person is doing at school or in other activities, asking questions about what is going on in their life, a new pet or sport, etc.).3. Conversation Cards: Create cards with open-ended questions like, “What was the best (or worst) part of your day?” or “What’s your favorite movie and why?”  Place them in the middle of the dinner table and take turns picking up a card and posing a question.  Practicing at home will make it easier to converse with people who are less familiar.4. Conversation Cards at a Holiday Meal: People of different generations can get to know one another better as they take turns answering questions about their lives.  For example, ask about a person’s first job or first pet or a time they got into trouble or were embarrassed.5. Wonder Questions: "Wh" questions (who, what, why, etc.) are good conversation starters.  Make a visual cue or prompt to remind your child of these words and practice using them at home during family meals.6. Neighborhood Chats: Walk around the neighborhood with your child and greet people you know.  As you converse with neighbors, try to include your child in the discussion.  Prepare for the walks by coming up with questions to ask neighbors like, “How are you today?” or “Did you enjoy your weekend?”7. Car Talk: Some kids prefer to talk in the car, where they don’t have to worry about direct eye contact or body language.  Use car trips to practice making conversation.Making “small talk” is a big part of learning to think about others, read the social situation, and become socially adept.  It’s an important skill not just at family gatherings, but also at school, work, and almost everywhere else.  Practicing the age-old art of conversation will improve your child’s comfort level and ability to connect with others in a wide array of social situations. ***Elizabeth Sautter, M.A., CCC-SLP is co-director and co-owner of Communication Works (cwtherapy.com), a private practice in Oakland, California, offering speech, language, social, and occupational therapy.  She is the co-author of the Whole Body Listening Larry (socialthinking.com) books. Her most recent book is Make Social Learning Stick! How to Guide and Nurture Social Competence Through Everyday Routines and Activities (aapcpublishing.net). She can be reached at makesociallearningstick@gmail.com or follow her: website, Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter.